And another tear falls

She tosses and turns. Ripping the blanket off her weary body, she flings it into the night. Too hot, too cold.  The PM's she took an hour ago have done nothing to relieve the pounding in her head. The incessant voices continue to wrack her brain with endless agitation. Too exhausted to move, her mind is her prison.

So very very selfish, she scolds herself harshly. You should be ecstatic! What's wrong with you? You're stronger than this! Get a damned grip!

She realizes there's no winning.

Her chastisement only serves to escalate the very guilt she's trying to shirk. 

She had convinced herself she was getting better. 

She replays the events of the last few days. The ups, the downs, the helplessness, the hope. The thirty plus sleepless hours she'd made it through with barely a thought. She had been strong. She had stayed focused. She had done what she needed to do for the sake of their son.

She'd been swept up in the joy and elation with everyone else. 
Like waking to sunshine after a long stormy night, she could feel God's hand as she cradled, for the very first time, their God given angel. 

The angel he should have been here to see. 

Now, as she lay alone in her bed, she allows it to consumes her. The aching loneliness, the familiar feeling of soul gripping gloom.

Why? she whispers, can't you be here with us? 

And why, she wonders, can't I accept that you're not?

Exhausted from fighting a battle she knows she can't win...she gives in.

For it seems that it's in her happiest moments, she finds herself missing him most...

and another tear falls.....