I actually got the idea to share
this “slice” from my friend and colleague, Dana…..as her post reminded me of my
own experience with childbirth. While going through my husband’s drawer, I found a
box containing all of the cards and letters I had ever written him. This one, (originally hand-written) was among them. Written on the day I gave birth to our son in 1983, I have decided to share it. Thirty years later, some
of these words seem almost prophetic…..my deepest hopes and deepest fears, have never changed…..perhaps that is why I
feel so lost today………
Written: 1983
Dear John,
You will probably have trouble
reading this. My writing is still a little wobbly, so please just do your best. I ask that you read this carefully, I want, (need), you to understand everything I am trying to say.
It’s times like these I wish I
had a poet’s way with words to share with you my feelings. I mean, how can a
person express to another how they feel, when they don’t even know themselves? I
have so many emotions all wrapped into one, which I guess ultimately, comes
down to only one word, Love!
As I sat here today with our baby
wrapped in my arms, I felt totally satisfied and serene. I don’t ever remember
feeling so totally content. I am amazed when I think that you and I together created
this beautiful being from love, and how we worked together to bring into this
world, our very own life.
I realize, of course, that billions have done this
before us, but at this moment, I feel as though only you and I really
understand it. Sounds silly, huh?
I don’t believe it is possible to
convey to anyone else the absolute beauty of this experience. I realize that this is a special bond between you and me
that nobody else in the world will ever comprehend, they can’t… they've not
experienced it…..and never will.
My deepest hope is that these
feelings last forever. That you will love me always, as you do today and I will
love you, as I do now, because it’s the ultimate.
My deepest fear is the thought of
life without you. I realize now that you are truly the other half of me. I don’t think I really ever understood that
before, but without you, I could never be whole again.
I wonder if you feel as I do…..do
you fear the thought of life without me? Do you feel that no one in the world
can really understand “you”?
I want you to know that despite the
intensity of the pain of labor, and the difficulty of delivering, I would do it
all again right now, if I could do it with you. As the song goes, “I
want to drown in your laughter and die in your arms……let me always be with you…..”
Please, if there is a God, I pray he will let us keep at least one
thing in our life…..the love we have for each other…….
How touching that he saved every card and letter from you. I'm sure he read and reread them whenever he was lonely. I hope that this month by writing, you will be able to begin some healing. I know the gaping wound will never close up, but remembering your love and your life together will slowly ease some pain.
ReplyDeleteThank you Elsie, for reading, and for understanding......
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful...I am in awe that you wrote something so complete on the day of your baby's birth. It is clear that you have a great love. I am especially touched by the line, "I don’t think I really ever understood that before, but without you, I could never be whole again." I felt this, too, about my dear husband at our baby's birth. Thank you for being so honest and open in this blog post.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing a letter that is so personal. I am so sorry for your loss. I have goose bumps on my arms from reading your letter to your husband.
ReplyDeleteWords can heal. I hope you find healing by sharing here.
I look forward to reading more of your story.