Like all good parents, mine were trying to protect me......They never let on my mother was dying.......
I
could almost feel the blood pulsing through my veins as I hurried to answer the
door. Maybe Today, I thought longingly There they stood the motley
crew that was my friends, adorned with a colorful array of oversize towels;
smelling of sunshine and coconut, they were smiling ear to ear …beckoning me to
join them. .
Seeing no sign of mama, I tiptoed out on the
porch in my bare feet; inhaling the sweet scent of summer. “I just have to
finish the dishes”, I said, wringing a dishtowel anxiously in my hands, “but
I’ll meet you there, okay?” They all nodded, and as usual, I pretended not to see
their sympathetic glances. Inwardly my heart began to sink. In truth, none of us believed I would actually make it to
the pool. “See ya soon!” I called out with a pasted on smile, as they scurried
to gather their bikes, and then, in silent envy I watched as they and pedaled
into the glorious sunshine….
“But Mama”, I protested as I finished up the
dishes, “ You've gotta let me go…. You promised I could go
out today”.
“Oh honey”, mama sighed wearily, “I know this is hard on
you…but, I’m so tired. You know I need your help.”
“Tired?” I snapped bitterly, blinking back my tears,
“How do you think I feel being locked up in the house like a prisoner every day?!” Her
stricken look didn't stop the venomous words from spewing from my lips….I was selfish, and angry, and all I wanted to do was hurt her.
Would I acted differently that day had I know the truth? I guess I'll never know. What I do know is.....46 years later......these words still haunt me......
I think about your post as a mother. I would have never been hurt by those words. I know that all children lash out at their parents in anger (life isn't fair moments!) I have never loved them any less for it. I am sure your mother felt the same way.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how you felt as a child - trapped and angry. It was perfectly natural. I think your mom understood completely.
ReplyDeleteI think that is part of the magic of being a parent. No matter what they say or do, I still love them the same. I'm sure your mother felt the same way. She loved you no matter what you said or did.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI lived a similar experience and lost my mother a couple of days later. That has been 35 years ago. I know she would change our last meeting if she could as would I. Mothers do not love difficult children any less.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your mother died. We can not go back and eat our words, all we can do is forgive ourselves.
ReplyDelete