Sunday, March 3, 2013

Venomous Words


Like all good parents, mine were trying to protect me......They never let on my mother was dying.......

I could almost feel the blood pulsing through my veins as I hurried to answer the door.  Maybe Today, I thought longingly   There they stood the motley crew that was my friends, adorned with a colorful array of oversize towels; smelling of sunshine and coconut, they were smiling ear to ear …beckoning me to join them. .

Seeing no sign of mama, I tiptoed out on the porch in my bare feet; inhaling the sweet scent of summer. “I just have to finish the dishes”, I said, wringing a dishtowel anxiously in my hands, “but I’ll meet you there, okay?” They all nodded, and as usual, I pretended not to see their sympathetic glances. Inwardly my heart began to sink. In truth, none of us believed I would actually make it to the pool. “See ya soon!” I called out with a pasted on smile, as they scurried to gather their bikes, and then, in silent envy I watched as they and pedaled into the glorious sunshine….

 “But Mama”, I protested as I finished up the dishes, “ You've gotta let me go…. You promised I could go out today”. 

“Oh honey”, mama sighed wearily, “I know this is hard on you…but, I’m so tired. You know I need your help.”

“Tired?” I snapped bitterly, blinking back my tears, “How do you think I feel being locked up in the house like a prisoner every day?!” Her stricken look didn't stop the venomous words from spewing from my lips….I was selfish, and angry, and all I wanted to do was hurt her. 

Would I acted differently that day had I know the truth? I guess I'll never know. What I do know is.....46 years later......these words still haunt me......

















6 comments:

  1. I think about your post as a mother. I would have never been hurt by those words. I know that all children lash out at their parents in anger (life isn't fair moments!) I have never loved them any less for it. I am sure your mother felt the same way.

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  2. I can only imagine how you felt as a child - trapped and angry. It was perfectly natural. I think your mom understood completely.

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  3. I think that is part of the magic of being a parent. No matter what they say or do, I still love them the same. I'm sure your mother felt the same way. She loved you no matter what you said or did.

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  4. Beautifully written. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  5. I lived a similar experience and lost my mother a couple of days later. That has been 35 years ago. I know she would change our last meeting if she could as would I. Mothers do not love difficult children any less.

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  6. I am sorry your mother died. We can not go back and eat our words, all we can do is forgive ourselves.

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